Maxit Mag

Mummy director to "shoot" a G.I. Joe movie? Kate Beckinsale to "vixen" the sexy terrorist, Baroness? Hollywood to make sure every stone go unturned? Read more.

The following is meant to be solely satirical. If any part of the proceeding is confused as actual news, our sincerest apologies... stupid.

 

Director Stephen Sommers (Mummy Returns, Van Helsing, Blackula's Mummy), promised he didn't jump into helming a G.I. Joe movie just because of the lucrative Hasbro Toys-Transformers tie, as his publicist told him to say. It's actually due to his unfading love for the material, as well the opportunity to cast Kate Beckinsale as the sexy vixen: Baroness, which, says Sommers, is better than spending a week in Jenna Jameson underpants.

"G.I. Joe has some of my favorite characters in fiction, and I'm excited about filming the new adventures of Duke, um, Cobra Commandant [Cobra Commander], Will Scarlet [Scarlet], Flink [Flint], Blowjob [Snowjob], Blackjack [Snake eyes], Dostovei [Destro], Chim Chim [?], and Optimus Prime," Sommers said.

Sommers assured fans of his nonprofit website that it took little persuading to get him to sign-on for a Joe movie.

"They asked me, 'would you like to direct G.I. Joe,' and I asked, 'is that the thing with the bread and the ham,' and they said, 'no, that's a ham sandwich.' I then asked if I would be payed many millions of dollars, and when they said 'yes,' it was love at first sight," Sommers said.

Actress Kate Beckinsale is also similarly passionate about the aspect of Sommers helming a Joe picture:

"The brilliance behind his pitch for 'Joe' was brilliant," Beckinsale said. "The way he took a '80s cartoon and comic book and gave the team an acronym, standing for 'Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity,' was simply tour de force plotting. I mean, that fu*king blew me away! How do you even come up with that? Sommers deserves a hundred million dollars!"

Passion aside, Beckinsale agreed with her fellow filmmakers that changes to the Joe lore needed to be made.

"Originally, G.I. Joe fought a terrorist organization called Cobra -- but they changed that," Beckinsale said. "In this day and age, people can't relate to terrorism; so instead of Destro being an inventor of weapons, he's an arms dealer; instead of Dr Mindbender being an evil scientist, he's a disgruntled nurse with no unpleasant ideology; instead of Cobra Commander being a terrorist leader... he's omitted from the film."

Along with Sommers, Miss Beckinsale said she couldn't wait to go through the rigorous Hasbro Nerd-Training boot camp in preparation for filming, saying that she live's her life through the G.I. Joe toys, right down to her plastic, retractable pelvis.

 

Thanks to Kate Beckinsale's strong acting abilities she learned at camp, she's able to sit for hours without moving in the hot midday sun.
 

The British Miss Beckinsale drinks Hubris Juice to make her feel more like an American.

 

Beckinsale swings to pounce upon unsuspecting children and deliver some thoughtful Joe advice, later assuring the kids that knowing is half the battle, and inquiring about their missing radioactive Skystriker.

 

Charmed by her hot flashes, Kate's tie ignites.

 

Beckinsale, costumed as Baroness, poses with the fan-renowned G.I. Joe character: Goofy Lady. (Not pictured is Miss Beckinsale).

 

Sommers said she's a natural casting choice because, like a G.I. Joe, her arms and legs are easily posable and she has a midriff that can reverse without snapping.