Speed Racer star Christina Ricci wears a pig’s nose and encounters a monkey who won’t keep its stinking, "damn-dirty," paws off of her. Read on!

On a press junket tour promoting Penelope, Christina Ricci elaborated on the challenges co-staring with a prosthetic nose, as well, her fear of a perverted monkey on the set of Speed Racer.

"[The prosthetic nose] would bubble up a little bit," she said. "Which I know is just gross. The plastic part would get little air bubbles..."

I cannot imagine what she must have gone through not looking forever beautiful and all -- and with a deteriorating nose, to boot. She and Michael Jackson would have a lot to talk about.

At any event, I don't believe that simply putting a pig nose on Christina Ricci is enough to make her seem unattractive, as was the intent. May I suggest to the filmmakers of Penelope a third nostril?

I don't see a pigs nose posing a problem to men at all. If anything, it just adds two more entry points. Sure, her nose is big, but it dwarfs the size of her massive forehead. (And even that is sexy!)

See?

But even if I did take issue with the nose, her "fun bags" are so magnificent, the idea of looking directly at her nose will never be an issue.

Apparently, fun bags-infatuation is also true to apes, as Ricci found out working with Chim-Chim the monkey on the upcoming Speed Racer.

"[So the monkey] freaks out and runs over and grabs my left breast and will not let go," Ricci said. "I was like, 'This thing is going to rip its hand away without letting go and I will no longer have a boob there.'"

What Miss Ricci doesn't realize is, for that to happen, it would take, not one, but dozens of monkeys to render her impressive, durable rack boobless, or at the very least, a double team of Cornelius and Zira from Planet of the Apes.

This, dear readers, is why I feel monkeys are not to be trusted. Not only are they seizing our women's breasts, but they're evolving as we speak, and once potty trained, they could allure our significant others with their shinny coats and attractive organ grinders.

But even with the possibility of a missing boob, and a Miss Piggy nose, it's obvious men everywhere would still let Christina Ricci eat crackers in their respective beds.

For more proof, see here:

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