The faux-lesbian singer Katy Perry debunked reports suggesting that she would remain celibate during 2009, and opts for non-celibacy for fear of actually dying. Read on for the most relieving story imaginable!
The story you’re about to read is true. The italicized text – and some "facts" – is entirely made up in the interest of comedy.
When the singer and candy-cane-dress-enhancer proclaimed that she would refrain from "sexy time" (sexy time © Sacha Baron Cohen), many counter-conception manufactures thought they would have to file chapter 11 -- however, they can now exhale a collective sigh of relief (men and woman alike) for it's not true.
Back when the comely (stop laughing) Perry spilt up with the front man of Gym Class Heroes (formally Big Town Hero), she announced plans not to lay with anyone, saying "I’ve actually taken a vow of celibacy this year, no kissing anyone. (Celibate means no-kissing, right?) [I’ll only kiss] my cat, Kitty Purry, and my dog, Ruff Schnauzer-man," reported the Daily Express.
However, Katy is now on the record saying she was just being ironic -- horrible, horrible, celibate-irony.
"I am not going to be celibate. That was a joke, and any fine journalist would have got that; you should be ashamed of yourself, Bullsh*tTimes. Please, celibacy for the whole year? (Who do you think I am, my male fan-base?) I’d rather die," Katy told People.com.
"Rather die" isn’t far off. Music scenists have recently discovered that when musicians (or Katy Perry) abstain from intercourse, their mind and motor skills begin to break down and fall cleanly under an umbrella of psychosis. Like when Buddy Holly went "sexless" and tragically died in an unrelated plane crash.
Startlingly, as a result of her short-lived celibacy, Katy degenerated into "cognitive error," thinking she’s her cat, and begun to eat the prop cake until she threw up on her masters shoes just after her famous cake dive during the MTV Latin America awards.
Another sign of her cat-related weathering psychosis, Perry doesn’t use her litter box.
During a performance, Katy believes the microphone to be a chew toy, batting it around for two sets and then falling asleep in the afternoon sun.
Here, Perry doesn’t use her scratching post and ignores her masters.
Let this be a serious wake up call for all musicians -- have sex constantly!
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