Bond girl Olga Kurylenko might be a lesbian

Sultry star of Quantum Of Solace, Olga Kurylenko, is the kind of sexy Bond girl fodder that you would come to expect from the long-running series, but the actress, and her character, are anything but the status quo.

The story you’re about to read is true. The italicized text -- and some "facts" -- is entirely made up in the interest of comedy.

Silky Quantum Of Solace star, Olga Kurylenko (pronounced Colecovision), carries the long-running tradition of red-hot foreign eye candy in the James Bond films. They're like alluring wallpaper -- glossy and exotic, they please the viewer, only to one day be faded, withered, and lost to time, like a threadbare Ursula Andress, but with more acting dimension and sexual potency.

Yes, despite Olga being hotter than Satan’s testicles, she insists she is not interested in men, and it’s absolutely not because she and her Bond persona might be gay.

"I’m not what you think I am," the Ukrainian-born actress said. "Look. Do I have to spell it out for you? Maybe I look like that, but I’m not a romantic person. What reinforces this are the stacks of Cosmos on-top of my washer. Sorry to disappoint you. I mean, I know I’m head-crushingly sexy in this movie, but keep away – the studio hands out these little Walter PPK’s."

In Quantum Of Solace, Olga plays Camille (named after Gonzo's chicken); a tragic character, due to her being one of the few Bond girls who does not sleep with 007, (played by the psycho-eyed Daniel Craig).

Her celibacy could be because she’s like some sort of ultra-tease super-lesbian – a lesbian that was perhaps hit with gamma radiation. The no-sex-with-Bond policy is something Olga is proud of, being maybe gay herself.

"I don’t think Camille is a typical Bond girl... she hardly wears bikinis at all," she said. "I am happy she doesn’t sleep with Bond because he’s done enough of that and slept with a lot of women before. I’m sure you can almost see the venereal diseases crawling on that guy."

As is the norm for a Bond movie, Olga had to train long and hard with stuntmen for the action sequences. The stuntmen demanded that she’d be massaged and greased up, ready for all the physicality, and, for reasons unknown, in a nighty.

"In one of the scenes where Bond and I are escaping from the bad guys, I had to drive like a maniac," she said. "For the scene, I even got a class F licence. That proved to be too high, so I had to get it downgraded with a DUI. They filmed the scene many times and Daniel was very brave because he was sitting next to me. I’m like a giant, organic, calming applicator. He kept cool. He's just like the real Bond. He could be having sex with me right now!"

Now, because of the Bond franchise, Olga is in hot demand -- like some bronzed, "doable" Beanie Baby.

"I’m getting a lot of scripts sent to me. Hopefully, in the future, by mail. The script telegrams are getting long and troublesome... like a penis. I’m sorry -- I may be a lesbian," she said.